One time I burnt my nipple because I was curling my hair while topless.

Fell out of a golf cart trying to pick up a empty chips bag. Broke shoulder and tore labrum.

I was having a cozy Sunday a couple weeks ago, all curled up in my pink dinosaur onesie and playing video games when I decided I should do something productive. I decided I’d take the trash and recycling out, and as I’m walking to the dumpster I slip and eat shit on the ice and totally screw up my ankle. I ended up just laying in the snow, in my onesie, ego fully bruised for about 10 minuets.

I broke my arm while armwrestling eight years ago. Still crooked to this day.

Friend kept raving about how healthy raw garlic is for you, said to just swallow it plain. I assumed she meant the clove. Clove got stuck, chilled in my windpipe for a good hour while I waited for the paramedics and was then transported to the hospital. Somehow I could still breath but damn I felt like a dumbass.

Dislocated my shoulder during a hot make out session.

Cut my finger off carving a pumpkin with a steak knife.

Punched a cardboard box one time that I thought was empty, definitely wasn’t empty. This September is 10 years I’ll have 2 plates and 12 screws in my right hand.

Got food poisoning and while running to the bathroom in the dark I missed the door way and split my eyebrow open on the doorframe. Apparently it sounded like someone trying to kick down the front door because my parents came running out of their bedroom thinking someone was trying to get in the house, instead they found me covered in vomit and bleeding from my head.

I wanted to know what was inside a golf ball. Ball in one hand, box cutter in the other and now I know what the inside of my hand looks like.

One time I stabbed myself in the hand with a box cutter while opening a bag of coffee.

Put my 100lb dog on a leash to chase some neighbor hood cats away from my cat. Pulled me so hard I did a Superman belly flop breaking my shoulder in two places.

I left the boat anchor in the water and drove away. The rope stretched and the anchor slingshotted itself out of the water hitting me in the head knocking me out cold. Took 16 staples to close the cut.

After a few beers… my husband was stabbing a pizza box wife a knife and I tried to stop him… by putting my hand in the way.

I cut over 1/2 of the fingernail portion of my left thumb off. I was watching the kickoff of a college football game not paying attention to the mandolin slicer I was using. Blade was so sharp I didn’t feel it at first…

Shot my self in the bicep with a nail gun at work… boss told me to quit being the bitch and pull it out and go back to work.

I broke my foot while doing the “running man” in 4” heels at a neighbor’s 60th birthday party at a bar. And I was the DD, so had to drive myself & my husband home that night. Good thing I broke my left foot .When I was younger I found an old rusty pocket knife. Told my friends it wasn’t sharp anymore and that we could play with it. To prove it I took the blade and ran it across my palm. Still have the scar from all the stitches I had to get.

When I was younger I found an old rusty pocket knife. Told my friends it wasn’t sharp anymore and that we could play with it. To prove it I took the blade and ran it across my palm. Still have the scar from all the stitches I had to get.

I was 9/10 wasted and went back to a friends apartment after a night downtown Toronto. Went to take a piss and as I was attempting to do up my fly I flew back into the bathtub, knocking myself out on the faucet. Worst. Sleep. Ever.

Shaving face in shower, slippery hands send razor into a helicopter spin, razor cuts tip of meat whistle… #blackhawkdown

Sleeping. Torn meniscus.